My Journey

I am new to the world of blogging.  This blog was born out of a strong desire to share my inner most thoughts and struggles with my children and close family members.  I have never been a very good communicator.   I know that comes from my insecurities as a wife and mother.  I have never really had the tools I need to cope with the everyday problems and stresses of life, and unfortunately, my tendency is to withdraw, rather than face problems or deal with news "head on".  As I look back on the past 25 years of raising our family, I have a lot of regrets.  I am not in a very good place in my life at the moment.  I am taking steps to rectify this problem and writing my thoughts and feelings is a big part of my recovery.  I want my children to know of my struggles, so that when they are faced with similar situations or concners of their own, they won't feel so alone.  They will know that I am not perfect and have struggled with life just as they have.  Hopefully they will look at their situation and feel that "if mom can overcome hard things, then so can I."

By sharing my journey, I hope that my family and I will be reminded of some important truths:  that even though life is hard, we have been placed on this earth to feel joy.   The power of the Atonement is real and can work miracles in our lives IF WE WILL LET IT.  Heavenly Father loves each of us individiually.  He knows us by name.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  He sees our true potential.  He is waiting for us to come to Him and let Him into our lives.  Even if we have let our relationship with Him slide into being almost non-existant, He still will greet us with open arms.  Even though we feel we have disappointed Him beyond measure and feel unworthy to even talk to Him, He still has compassion and is pleading for us to "Come Unto Him". 

These are truths that I once knew, but have forgotten over time.  I want to feel these truths in my very being.  I want them to be a part of me so that they are foremost in my mind at all times.  I want them to be the things that I think when my world is falling down around me.  I want to feel that I'm not alone.  I want to feel loved no matter what I do.  I want to feel that even though I will make mistakes over and over again, I am still worthy to kneel in prayer and beg for forgiveness and the strength to continue. 

As this is a process, it is important for you to know that I do not feel any of those things today.  I haven't felt them in a long time.  I feel angry and sad and hopeless at the moment.  My thoughts expressed on paper are going to reflect where I am at at any given time.  I could sugar-coat things and make them appear not so ugly, but why would I do that?  That would not be real.  I have spent my whole life doing that.  I struggle with perfectionism.  I am embarrassed if everything in my life is not perfect.  I don't want to admit that everything in my life is "just so." I want to get a handle on that.  So, if it makes you uncomfortable to know my inner feelings and struggles, then I would suggest that you discontinue following this blog.  My hope is that as I work hard to overcome my pain, my addictions, and my feelings of inadequacy, that my feelings will soften and become less "ugly" and more positive and hopeful.  But for now, this blog will be a vat of un-censored, un-edited, raw feelings.  Even as I write this, I am fighting the urge to go back and re-write sentences so that they sound better.  I am feeling anxious that what I write won't be good enough.  I want to be as good of a writer as my sister.  She has taught mne so much through her blog.  If I am going to use this forum as a part of my therapy, then I want the freedom to write my thoughts as they come.  I look forward to looking back amd seeing my personal growth as my journey to find myself begins.  I feel lost...and I want so badly to be found.