I wanted to share a little bit of path I have been on for the past 6 months. I will preface my thoughts by saying that it's hard for me to write how things actually are. Once I get my thoughts on paper, they somehow become real to me and when I read them in black and white, sometimes it shocks me to realize where I'm at. It's not the best place to be, but it's reality. It's funny how if nobody knows what you are really like, or what you really do, or how you really feel, then somehow it's not so bad. Do you know what I mean? As long as I keep things in side, I just coast along and everybody thinks things are just fine - including me. It's what we all do, but I'm not sure that it's the best thing to do. There comes a point when we need to face reality and decide that we need to move on from the place we're at. It's hard to move on. It's comfortable to be where we are. In my case, most of the time, I don't want to move on. For me to begin to change and to soften my heart, it will require work on my part...a lot of work. I don't know if I'm up for it.
On the other hand, sometimes I am motivated by fear. Fear is not a good thing, but I guess if it's a starting point and motivates me to change, then I can only hope and pray that one day, the fear will be replaced with an actual desire to change and my motivation to remain strong and faithful will be because I love Heavenly Father and have faith in Him no matter what.
I have always held leadership positions in the church that have kept me busy and attending my church meetings. I think it has been because of those callings that I have remained actively engaged. My self-esteem in the gospel has been wrapped up in the callings that I have had. Does that make sense? I can only compare it to a shallow root system. My roots in the gospel have been pretty shallow for a long time. I know that will come as a shock to you because I have been able to play a pretty good game and make it look on the outside that everything is fine...just fine. I talk a good talk and I'm a pretty good pretender.
I can't say that my roots are shallow because I don't have a testimony. I do have a testimony, (a weak testimony right now) but here are my problems:
1.) When I don't make an effort to read my scriptures, say my prayers and make a real effort to nuture my testimony, it slowly fades. These things are hard for me to do and most of the time, I'm sad to say, I just can't be bothered.
2.) As my testimony slowly fades, and I continue not to do those things that will bring me closer to the spirit, I get farther and farther away. As I get farther away, I feel less worthy to come back.
3.) Soon, Satan knows where my weaknesses are and he is all too willing to keep me down and away from what I know will make me happy.
4.) I begin to feel hopeless, critical, angry, lonely, cynical, and selfish.
5.) As these feelings mount in intensity, I don't even have the slightest desire to change. It's like I'm too far gone. I get comfortable in what I'm doing and my activity in the church, and my relationship with the Savior don't even cross my mind.
So having said that, there have been several things that have happened in my life within the past year and a half that have just kicked the wind out of my sails. It is because of my lack of understanding...true understanding of Heavenly Father's plan that I have allowed these things to flatten me. If I understood and trusted fully in how things actually work, then I would be able to pick myself up and dust me off and contniue. Let me say again, that I know it is due to my lack of understanding and faith that I am in the mess I'm in. When I was searching for a title for my blog, I chose "But If Not", because I have a lot of "but if nots" in my life and I need to learn to cope with these and not lose sight of the plan or let my faith dwindle.
I am a worrier by nature. I come by it honestly, and can thank Grandma Fletcher for those particular genes! I honestly believe that after we die, we will come face to face with our Savior and be judged according to our works. I believe that there are 3 different kingdoms and our ultimate goal is of course the Celestial Kingdom. My problem is that I believe (again, due to my lack of understanding and faith) that there is no way that I will ever be able to be good enough to get there. There is just no way that I will qualify. This thought is so up front and center in my mind all of the time, that it is easier for me to give up rather than constantly bang my head against the wall. Sometimes I think that if I can just resign myself to the fact that I won't make it, then the pressure is off and I can let go of the guilt and worry that is my constant companion. It is very strange as I write this, because I believe that everyone else in my family can get there. I KNOW that my kids can repent of the things they have done wrong and be forgiven. I just don't believe it for myself. Again, my journey is to believe that I can get there too.
Deep, deep in the back of my head or my heart, I remember there is something called the Atonement that can make this possible for me. I don't understand it, but sometimes, it gives me the tiniest shred of light to go by. I want to understand the Atonement and know...really know in my heart that the Savior died for me alone. He went through all of the pain and suffering and sorrow, even bled from every pore...for ME. I don't feel worthy to even consider this. My pride is getting in the way, and I am unable to even comprend this at the moment. Even as I write these words, I know that the key is to let down the walls that I've built, and realize that I can't do this life alone. As much as I think I should be able to and don't need the help of anyone else, most of all the Savior, I need to step back and litterally turn my life over to Him. Give to Him all of my hurt, my anger, my worries, and my frustrations. This requires a lot of humility and a deep, deep sense of gratitude for Him, which I need to develop.
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