Addiction Recovery Program

A few weeks ago, I decided that I would start attending the Addiction Recovery Program.  I attend this program a few years ago, and it was absolutely amazing.  I loved it and it taught me so much.  I felt that this would be a good starting point for me in trying to get my life back on track.  You may wonder what my addiction is.  I have thought of this myself.  Addicts are people with a problem - a problem they can't solve on their own, a problem they can't find enough willpower or "intestinal fortitude" to conquer on their own.  An addiction is a challenge that leaves us devastated and demoralized, bankrupt of any will or desire to believe in ourselves, in life...and maybe in God.  When I think about my addictions in this context, I think I can narrow my problems down to two: 1.) Perfectionism 2.) Negative Thinking. 

My whole life has been one of trying to be perfect, do everything perfect, feel perfect and act perfect.  This is exhausting and unforunately, I know that I have passed this onto my children, especially Cari.  I didn't do this intentionally - I don't even really know how it happened.  I remember about a year or so ago, I made the comment to Cari that she should start making Family Home Evening lessons - putting together games and stories etc. for when their family comes along.  I was shocked and horrified by her response.  She indicated that there was no way she would be able to do that, because she was afraid that she would make a mistake coloring the pictures and then would have to start all over again.  It just wouldn't be worth the stress.  I felt sick inside when I heard this!   Cari, if you are reading this, we need to work on overcoming this terrible character flaw together.  It isn't healthy and I know that there are more areas in your life that this "perfectionism" idea is affecting.  Perfectionism leaves me feeling intolerant of others.  It contributes to my negative thinking patterns and has limited the things I'm willing to try for fear of failure. 

I have loved attending the ARP meeting.  It is one of the only places that I feel like I can be completely honest.  I don't have to pretend anything - everybody in the room is struggling with one thing or another.  I can speak freely and know that I will not be judged.  No one will make a comment to me that will minimize my challenges.  No one will give advice.  It's a safe place that I can work through my issues by hearing of others strengths and trials.  The spirit is very strong in those meetings. 

We are starting next week with step one which is "Admit that we of ourselves are powerless, nothing without God."  Over the past week, I have realized that I have some really misguided thoughts and feelings. Firstly, I have realized just how much pride I have and how much it is getting in the way of me being able to make changes in my life.  I think that I need to already be perfect before I am able to come to Heavenly Father in prayer.  I need to be a better person and have a stonger desire to improve my life that I currently do.  There is something I have recently learned about - it's called Spiritual Dyslexia."  Regular Dyslexia is when people perceive letters and word sequences in reverse.  Well, Spiritual Dyslexia is very similar.  When we have Spiritual Dyslexia, we find the gospel neither easy nor simple.  Instead, we are furstrated and bewildered, wandering in a modern wilderness of stress, anxiety, discouragement and depression.  Only occasionally do we glimpse the promised land of joy and peace that is potentially ours.  We cling to a dyslexic solution to our problems.  Reversing the order of these words, "the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life", we act as if that scripture teaches us that the "letter" (the outward activity) giveth life. 

Another example that really hit home to me was the scripture in Moroni 10:32.  The scripture plainly states "Come unto Christ and be perfected in him...deny yourselves of all ungodliness."  Those with spritual dyslexia read the scripture this way: "Deny yourselves of all ungodliness and then come unto Christ."  This is me.  Trying to perfect myself is as exhausting and discouraging as if I was trying to go on a journey using a car with no gas and having to push the car myself to wherever I was going.  No wonder it seems impossible to endure to the end.  The fact is, I cannot do it on my own.  I cannot run my life all by myself.  Alone, I will never be good enough.  I need the help of the Savior in every aspect of my life. 

The truth is, it doesn't matter that I am not perfect right now.  It doesn't matter that here I am again...in the same pathetic boat as before, having made no progress.  I need to put aside these destructive thoughts and my pride and just go to Heavenly Father.  I my class this week, I committed that I would do this before next week.  I am scared about this.  That seems crazy.  My mind tells me one thing, but my heart holds me back.  My goal this week is to keep telling myself that I am loved no matter what I do.  Heavenly Father wants to hear from me just how I am.  I will be embarassed the first time I kneel down to pray, and it will be uncomfortable for me, but I know that as I really talk to Him, and break down the walls of pride that are so high and so strong, that I will feel more comfortable doing this.  It will mean for me that the game is over.  I will have to stop pretending that I can do all things by myself.  I will surrender my will and life to the Him.  This is a huge step for me, but it's something I want so badly.