Well, I am going to attempt to write down a list of some of the things I worry about. This is part of my therapy. This list is part of the suitcase of thoughts and stresses that I will turn over to the Lord. I can't do anything about any of these things...I know this, but I would like to be freed from the constant worrying about them. They are not listed in any particular order:
1.) I worry about Jordan with all his pressures of school. He seems so down and stressed out all the time. He doesn't seem very happy and I don't know how I can fix this. Since Jordan came home from his mission, he seems very discontented. It's like he is lost. He has had a lot of health issues that we haven't been able to get to the bottom of.
2.) I worry that Jordan is frustrated and perhaps doubts his choices when he sees Jared being so financially successful. Jared SEEMS to have the world by the tail and doesn't seem to have a worry in the world. My heart breaks for Jordan. I want him to know that he is being blessed and will continue to be blessed because he sacrificed two years of his life to serve a mission. He will one day be successful in whatever he chooses to do.
3.) I worry about Jared. I think I have gone through some of my trials over this past few months, to help me understand how Jared feels. I know what he is going through right now. It concerns me that he doesn't feel he needs the gospel in his life. I know that feeling and it's tough. When things are going along just fine, you don't think there is any problem. It's not a big deal to not go to church, to pray, to have a relationship with the Savior when everything in your life is great. It's hard to look at the big picture.
4.) I worry that Jared thinks that he is somehow less of a person in our eyes since he chose not to serve a mission. This absolutely breaks my heart everytime I think about it. This is so not the case. I know that Jared was so afraid to serve a mission and that is OK. I love Jared so much and have seen how much he has grown over the past 18 months. Jared is sensitive, hard-working, compassionate and loves his family. I love all those things about Jared. I love to see him so successful. I worry that his success will mean too much to him and will prevent him from setting aside his pride and looking for some deeper meaning to life and realize that he needs a relationship with the Savior. I want him to come back to church. I want him to know that no matter what he has done, he can repent and change his life.
5.) I worry about Cari and Scott. Marriage is so hard, but it's also so rewarding. I worry that they really haven't dealt with the trials that hit them last year. I want them to really talk about those things and in my heart, I think that Cari has just swept things under the rug, because they are too hard to deal with. I blame myself because that is what she saw me do. It was easier to just keep quiet and go to bed, rather than deal with hard things. When we visited with them in Memphis in November, it did seem like things were a lot better, but I don't know if their problems have been completely solved.
6.) I worry that Cari can't get pregnant. I don't know how to talk to her about this, because I don't want her to think that I am putting any pressure on her. I am afraid to say anything, because again, if I actually say out loud what I'm thinking, then it might be real. That would be terrible.
7.) I worry about what will happen to our family long term. How can we be together forever if we are missing a member of our family? I can't even comprehend this. I know there is a long time for things to be made right, but I worry that it won't happen. I need to do some more research on the sealing power and the Temple Covenants and then have enough faith that one day, things will work out.
8.) I worry about Howard in his work. He gets so frustrated with his employees and he treats them so mean. I understand that he is frustrated, but I just shudder when I hear how he talks to them. I worry that one day, we will have no employees. I worry that Howard is going to have a heart attack one of these days from the stress of work.
9.) I worry that our employees don't do a very good job. Nobody really checks their work everytime and I am worried that we will have another restaurant fire, resulting in an increase in our insurance, and ultimately our inability to get insurance because of our history.
10.) I worry that Cari and Scott are going to be living far away forever. I won't be able to have the kind of relationship with my grandkids that I had always dreamed of. It is so expensive to see them - we can't just get in the car and go visit.
This is not complete by any means, but it's a start. As I re-read this list, I know that the only way I will be able to be free of my worries is to put these things in God's hands. I need to have faith that these things will be worked out. I need to have faith that no matter what happens, I will be able to deal with things. I will be able to be strong and cope with whatever comes my way. This is easy to say and hard to do, but I'm confident that I will be successful.
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