Honesty

I attended ARP last night.  It was so great - I felt like everyone that shared was speaking directly to me.  I learn so much from their comments each week.  This week, we are working on Step #2, which is on Hope.  "Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health." 

I had some good and bad experiences with honesty last week.  It is hard to be completely honest with someone.  You never know how they will react to what you've shared, and if their reaction is not what you expect, it can really be a challenge to remain positive.  When I feel so vulnerable, bear my soul and then get my feelings challenged, it makes me not want to share anything more and just remain in a state of denial.  This would be easier, but I realize that it would not be the best option.  I have done a lot of thinking this past week about life.  Someone suggested to me that our life is a rollercoaster.  I got to thinking about that...isn't everybody who is experiencing life here on earth on a rollercoaster of some sort?  We all have ups and downs and just when we think things are going along smoothly, we find ourselves white-knuckling it down a steep decline, hanging on for dear life!  We will always have challenges, some will sink our hearts right down into the pit of our stomach, and some will not. 

Someone at ARP shared this beautiful poem entitled "The Race":

"QUIT! GIVE UP! YOU'RE BEATEN!" They shout and plead,
There's just too much against you now, this time you can't succeed.
And as I start to hang my head in front of failure's face,
My downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.

And hope refills my weakened will as I recall that scene.
For just the thought of that short race rejuvenates my being.
A children's race, young boys, young men; now I remember well.
Excitement, sure, but also fear; it wasn't hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope. Each thought to win that race.
Or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
And fathers watched from off the side, each cheering for his son.
And each boy hoped to show his dad that he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went, young hearts and hopes of fire.
To win, to be the hero there, was each young boy's desire.
And one boy in particular, his dad was in the crowd,
Was running near the lead and thought, "My dad will be so proud."

But as he speeded down the field across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his hands flew out to brace,
And mid the laughter of the crowd, he fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope. He couldn't win it now.
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished to disappear somehow.
But as he fell, his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said, "Get up and win that race!"

He quickly rose, no damage done - behind a bit, that's all,
And ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself to catch up and to win,
His mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.

He wished that he had quite before with only one disgrace.
I'm hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn't try to race.
But, in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father's face
That steady look that said again, "Get up and win the race."

So, he jumped up to try again. Ten yards behind the last.
If I'm to gain those yards, he thought, I've got to run real fast.
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.

Defeat! He lay there silently, a tear dropped from his eye.
There's no sense running anymore - three strikes and I'm out - why try?
The will to rise had disappeared, all hope had flew away.
So far behind, so error prone, closer all the way.

I've lost, so what's the use, he thought, I'll live with my disgrace.
But then he thought about his dad, who soon he'd have to face.
"Get up," an echo sounded low. "Get up and take your place.
You were not meant for failure here, get up and win the race."

With borrowed will, "Get up," it said, "You haven't lost at all,
For winning is not more than this, to rise each time you fall."
So up he rose to win once more. And with a new commit,
He resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn't quit.

So far behind the others now, the most he'd ever been.
Still he gave it all he had and ran as though to win.
Three times he'd fallen stumbling, three times he'd rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner as he crossed first place.
Head high and proud and happy; no falling, no disgrace.
But when the fallen youngster crossed the line, last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race.

And even though he came in last, with head bowed low, unproud;
You would have thought he'd won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his Dad he sadly said, "I didn't do so well."
"To me you won," his father said, "You rose each time you fell."

And when things seemed dark and hard and difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy - helps me in my race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and down and all,
And all you have to do to win - is rise each time you fall.
"Quit!" "GIVE UP, YOU'RE BEATEN." They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says, "GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!"

-Dee Groberg

I love this poem!  How many times in just this past week alone, have I fallen down?  How many times have I tried to remember to say my prayers and then completely forgot?  How many times have I committed to read my scriptures only to make a different choice.?  My Father is still there cheering me on, saying "Tammy, get up and finish the race.  Keep trying...I am here for you."  This brings me comfort.  I have to constantly remind myself that it is not WHO I am that matters, but WHOSE I am that will make the difference in the end.  It is through my Savior and His great gift to me that I will find true hope.

The following points made an impact on me at ARP last night:
1.) No matter how many times we make the same mistake, we need to repent and try again.
2.) We may experience a change of heart, but if we don't constantly nurish and feed our new heart, we will slip back into our old ways.
3.) I need to stop waiting for a "big event" to happen in order to feel of the Savior's love.  I need to look for the small, subtle ways that He shows me that He loves me.  During my recovery process, I need to keep this in mind.  I always want the "big event".  This won't necessarily happen.  What is that saying...Slow and Steady wins the race??

My positive experience with being totally honest was that I finally had the courage to have a heart to heart talk with Jared.  He has been such an example to me lately.  For the last 3 weeks, he has gotten up to go to church...even when he was quite sick.  I wanted to share my feelings with him so badly, and tell him of some of my struggles that are kind of the same things that he is going through.  I won't share the details of this special time, but I was so glad that I was able to talk to Jared.  It will be one of the highlights of my year.  It relieved a lot of stress.  I love him so much.