A couple of weeks ago while attending the Addiction Recovery Program, as part of my "sharing," I made a committment that before the following class, I would get down on my knees and pray to Heavenly Father, something that I have not done in a few years. (I know, that is a good reason why my life is such a mess.) Step One of the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) is to admit that we ourselves are powerless without God and that our lives had become unmanageable. This is a hard step for me. This fact sounds logical and makes sense, however, admitting this and putting aside my pride is very hard for me. I have done a lot of reading lately about just how powerless we are without God. I have been preparing myself to admit this openly. A big part of this step is honesty. Honesty with ourselves, honesty with the Lord, honesty with our spouse etc.
When I made the committment to pray before our next meeting, I honestly thought I was ready to do this and that my heart was in the right place. Each day after our class, I was hoping that it would be the day that I could kneel down and pour out my heart to the Lord. The days came and went, and I just didn't feel like I was ready. Finally, the night before my next class, I realized that I needed to do this so that I could report that I had fulfilled my goal. I did kneel down to pray that night, but it wasn't the experience that I had hoped it would be. I had a hard time concentrating, I seemed to be repeating words and phrases that were superficial. I didn't really feel like I was speaking directly to Heavenly Father. I was distracted and felt so frustrated, because I thought I sincerely wanted to have a different experience. I was just going through the motions. This is one reason why I stopped praying to begin with. As I was praying, I thought that I needed to stay on my knees until I felt differently. I did stay on my knees for a long time, but the feelings just weren't there. I finally got up from my prayers and got into bed, thinking what a waste of time it was and how disappointed Heavenly Father was in me... again.
I started questioning the sincerity of my heart. How badly did I want to have a relationship with the Savior? How badly did I want Him to take away all of my fears and sorrows and hardships? In my ARP manual, I read something that got me thinking. Have you ever had the experience of someone close to you dying or very ill? Do you remember how you prayed for that person with all the strength you had. You poured out your heart to the Lord, begging Him to make this person well? Yes, I have had that experience. Well, this is the kind of sincerity of heart that we need to have when we pray. This should be our goal everytime we talk to our Heavenly Father. That is what a sincere heart is.
I understand the fact that I am not there yet, and just becuase I'm not there yet, doesn't mean that I should not continue to pray. I will continue to pray, because I have made that committment. I know that we've been told that if we just even have the slighest desire in our hearts to believe, that we need to pray for that desire to grow...and it will. At this point, I ask myself "Well then, what is my problem?" It is the perfectionism in me and the pride in me that wants to do this right. I want to have a humble, repentant heart BEFORE I go to the Lord. I want to take care of everything myself and make it all good before I take it to the Lord. In my mind, I know that this is not how it should work.
I really look forward to the time when I will be able to pour out my heart to the Lord and ask him to carry my burdens. That will be a glorious day and I will continue to pray for a sincere heart and for that opportunity. I am slowly realizing that I am powerless without God. No matter what I do, or how I act, I will still fall short. It is only through the Atonement that the shortfall will be made up by the Savior. I need to trust that this applies to me personally. The journey continues...
I read a quote today: "Fear knocks at the door...faith answers and nothing is there." I am going to learn all I can about faith. My patriartical blessing speaks constantly of faith. This is truly a concept that I will have to develop over time.
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