It has been a busy few weeks. While I have not taken the time to write about my experiences, struggles and joys over the past few weeks, I certainly have experienced them. I have continued to attend the ARP meetings and am loving the progress I am making. Step Three is about trust..trusting God in all things and making the decision to reconsile ourselves to the will of God - offering our whole souls to Him. This too is a hard step for me to grasp. How do I know if I am willing to offer my whole soul to Him? I have learned that He does not just want a part of me. He wants all of me - holding nothing back. It is not sufficient for me to be outwardly "active" in the Lord's behalf, attending church, holding callings and at the same time, in my private heart and thoughts, be unbelieving of His promises. This is a fault of mine. This is how I have lived for so long. I read something that has caused me to think. It is from the book "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" by Colleen Harrison.
"All too often, we Latter-Day Saints live our lives so near to Him through our ordinances and good works, and yet so far from Him through our emphasis on "good Son" busy work and so many other things outside of Him. At the center or bulls-eye of everything we do, should be our relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, we are too oftern firmly entrenched in the circles just outside that bulls-eye, those circles marked "church, home, family, spouse. These things are all good and most certainly given of God, but at the same time, they are not God and can never give us the peace and security He can. They can never supply us with the unfailing support and guidance that only He can. We must be very careful not to set these things up as lesser or demigods and think service to them will substitute for coming to know the Lord personally. When we avoid coming to Him directly, we live far below our priveledge - to receive His prescence, His voice, and, in His own due time, His very face."
I struggle in my quest to develop a closer relationship with my Savior. I have learned that this definately is a process...as much as I want it right now, I know that I need to be patient. I am trying to say my prayers each day, but most times, it is so far from my mind and then I forget. This has frustrated me and I have been fighting the self-talk that says I'm such a loser and no good to even keep trying. When I get these thoughts, I try to push them from my mind. This has made me doubt how sincere I actually am in wanting this relationship. How badly do I want it if I can't even remember to get down on my knees and work for it?? I need to remind myself that Heavenly Father still loves me and is patient with me.
While I struggle with developing the habit of saying my prayers, I have noticed that I have been blessed with a better attitude towards things. I don't feel so cynical or critical about things relating to church. When I anticipate Sunday each week, I no longer try and come up with an excuse not to go to my meetings. There is a small part of me that wants to go. I say small, because it is a small desire to go, but I am seeing how that desire is growing within me and I am grateful for this.
As I work hard and re-learn gospel principles, I know that I will one day be able to trust that Heavenly Father wants the best for me. I know that one day, I will want more of what He wants for me.
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